Almost One Year Later

We wait in hope for the Lord, He is our strength and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice for we trust in His holy name. May Your unfailing love rest upon us, oh Lord, even as we put our hope in You.

Here I sit, on the one-year anniversary of that heart-crushing doctor’s appointment where we discovered our first baby was no longer alive, and one day away from the one-year anniversary of when I delivered our first baby.

Yesterday, a couple came to the church where I work to meet with the pastor. They had given birth pre-maturely to their baby at only 25 weeks and the baby died three days later. They walked in with a heaviness I recognized too well, and hope to never experience again. It’s the kind of heaviness that consumes you to the point where seeing anything and everything and encountering anyone was too painful, but because of the demands of life, you still had to do it.

I’ve had difficulty sleeping and staying asleep the past two nights. The first night, I was plagued with nightmare after nightmare. The last one I had before I woke up was that I was having a miscarriage; There was so much blood everywhere. I woke up in a panic, checking the bed to see if there was blood. Last night, some sort of dream/nightmare woke me up around 3 a.m. There was redemption afterwards as I stayed awake for the next hour and a half because our Little One was kicking. It was a welcomed distraction to feel her moving inside of me, reminding me of the life that still perseveres inside of me despite my fears and doubts. I am so thankful to be able to feel her on a daily basis now. Even as I write this, she’s kicking me in my side.

I still grieve the loss of our first child. Sometimes, I know people don’t understand why. “But you’re pregnant with another child” they think and say, as if that makes our previous loss better. It doesn’t. Yes, the Lord has blessed us with another child and we are so, so thankful, but that doesn’t take away the pain from losing our first child. It helps at times, but this child is not a replacement.

Tomorrow, September 11, will be a joyful day as we celebrate our growing baby turning another week older in the womb, but the day will be interlaced with tears as we remember where we were one year ago. Thank the Lord for His grace so amazing and so prevalent.

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lordbe strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.


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