Aside from posting lyrics of songs, reblogging others’ posts, or writing short blurbs of my thoughts before I go to bed, I haven’t really journaled or written anything for a while. So today, I will attempt to.
I got to work this morning and the number 11 on my computer’s calendar popped up when I accidentally hovered over the bottom right portion of my screen. My heart sank. March 11. It’s been six months since our miscarriage.
Six months. I can hardly believe it.
That day seems as though it happened so very, very long ago, yet sometimes, the pain is so fresh, so real, so brutal. Today, the pain was rearing its head.
I took a deep breath, calmed myself, pushed down the pain, and continued with my work.
I get a phonecall a few hours later. She’s having contractions and they’re on their way to the hospital. She’s not due for another week and a half. My heart wasn’t prepared for this. Joy wells deep inside of me for them, but if I’m being honest, jealousy, confusion, and sadness linger heavier and more towards my surface.
I expected this day to be difficult. I was kind of hoping I wouldn’t remember the significance of the day and it would pass quickly. But that’s not happening. I’m feeling every moment of this day.
Memories from six months ago swell in my mind – the doctor’s office, the ultrasound, walking out of the hospital; I even remember what I was wearing that day. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget the details of that day and the days following.
Only a few more hours remain of today. I don’t want to spend the rest of it in tears. I’m going to get back to work now.
Hope you have reasons to celebrate today.