Matt and I went back to FC this weekend for our Alma Mater’s homecoming.
I had a lot of mixed emotions about going back. On one hand, I was excited to see people we know and are friends with; on the other hand, I was dreading seeing people we know.
This would be the first time we would be seeing all these people (who had previously known us for many years) after sharing the news of our miscarriage and I just wasn’t sure how people would react. I also know of a couple of people who didn’t understand when I shared Matt’s article titled “Baby” that he was writing about our loss and not announcing our pregnancy. Those people proceeded to congratulate us then and in our hurt, we never corrected them. I was afraid we’d run into them and they would do the same thing again. Thankfully, we didn’t see them at all.
Please don’t get me wrong. I’m aware that our news would not be on the forefront of everyone’s minds and I’m not trying to say it is. In fact, some people acted like they did not remember at all, and that was fine. Others, I could tell, knew but didn’t know how to address or bring up that they were sympathetic, so they didn’t, which was also fine. We did run into a few people who sympathetically embraced us for longer than usual and asked us how we were doing. We replied with “okay,” which is the truth, and got mixed reactions. Some had surprised looks on their faces as if to say “really? Already?,” others had relieved ones. Small talk ensued, we said bye, and each went on our way.
One thing they do every year at homecoming is the choir alumni sing-a-long. Basically anyone who has ever been in the choir is welcomed to come sing the legendary songs that have been sung for years by the choir. Each year, they try to have a former director come back to conduct. This year, they were able to get two of the directors.
Matt and I attended the sing-a-long and unlike the other events from the day, it went well and was well attended. The last song we sang at the sing-a-long was called “Beautiful Savior.” When we were in college and in choir, this was the song we closed every rehearsal with. I don’t know when this tradition started but I’m glad it did and that it continues today. It was really beautiful for me while I was in choir because I relished the fact that even those in the choir who adamantly proclaimed they weren’t Believers loved singing this piece which praised and glorified God.
As the song started, I felt my heart stirring and tears swelling in my eyes. At first I thought the tears were cause I missed choir and the memories but I quickly discovered that wasn’t it. As the soloist sang the first verse, I started remembering the lyrics rather quickly.
Then she sang: “Jesus is fairer, Jesus is purer. He makes our sorrowing spirit sing.”
As she sang those lyrics, I heard nothing but the words and a sense of “aha!” hit me. In those moments, I genuinely and satisfactorily knew in my heart that nothing but Jesus mattered. As she finished out the verse I was able to acknowledge that if all the worst things in the world were to happen to me, if I was not able to get the desires of my heart and the desired answers to my prayers, it would be okay because I have Jesus. I have Jesus. Jesus is fairer and purer than any of it and just His mere presence would satisfy me. And it was such a magnificent thing to proclaim in my heart because as I did, I let go of hurt and bitterness.
I was not able to sing much of the lyrics after the choir joined in because of the tears, but at the end, I whispered through tears as the choir sang “glory and honor, praise, adoration now and forevermore be Thine!”
It is indeed well with my soul.